OK, OK, you’ve had to read the same entry for weeks. But you people don’t know just how time-consuming it is to be a member of the "vast, well-funded Denial Industry" (VWFuDI) [1].
Of course I had to work at both US conventions. Denver with the Democrats wasn’t too bad; when you’re a mile high, the thin atmosphere makes black-bear bile-duct liqueur (Alc: 89%) kick in pretty damn quick and whale sushi is even more irresistible. On the other hand, at the Republican Convention, St Paul felt uncannily like Minneapolis – think Antarctic but with less groovy nightlife and ten-times the wind-chill factor. No sign of Global Warming there - zilch … not a sausage … bugger all.
I was “surplus to requirements” during the Democratic convention – apparently Obama has enough arms up his backside already. However, my puppeteering partner Kim Jong-Il was on overtime operating Joe Biden’s new hair, Ted Kennedy’s old (very old) jowls and Maria Shriver-Shwarzenegger’s bleached, skeletal, brittle-bones. Kim’s years as Miss Piggy’s tail have never been wasted.
For the Republicans in St Paul, I personally, puppeteered Sarah Palin’s hair and glasses – which was exhausting but I held my own. Everybody noticed her beehive quiver and swell when she praised “small town America” and the sadomasochistic gleam in her eyes when she demanded oil drilling in the Arctic Wildlife Refuge – that flinty glint is my speciality! My final performance was as Bristol’s foetus, providing a few good kicks for the reporters from Fox News.
Poor old Kim Jong-Il, after the fatiguing week in Denver, he was expected to puppeteer McCain’s hair and neck. He was, clearly, pooped. His biceps, triceps, pecs, lubricales, flexor digitorum profundi etc., simply gave way, he couldn’t hold up either head or hair ... let alone both! It was the Haliburton straw that broke the Lockheed-Martin back.
So, McCain had no hair or neck. He looked like an albino Tahitian turtle, captured by Captain Cook during the transit of Venus in 177?? [Sub-Editor: please check Wikipedia for correct dates], which then spent the next 230 years in a veal crate. You and I know that McCain has had three or four deadly carcinogenic melanomas removed so must avoid sunlight (just like Angel in that fab ‘Buffy the Vampire Slayer’ series). But the great American public probably thinks he’s just a really pasty, neckless, old geyser in a permanently bad mood. (Incidentally, I’ve had two cancerous Basal Cell Carcinomas removed, one in front of each ear. Pick the right dermatologic surgeon – mine is on 57th Street Manhattan – and you can get an eye-lift included in the price).
Sadly, poor old McCain has already had so much flesh removed from his face that he looks like an older, more surgically-manipulated Joan Rivers – with the complexion of the new, de-improved (i.e. non-ethnic) Michael Jackson.
I tell you, it was a relief to meet Dick Cheney and Hillary Clinton in the steam room on the last night to collect the suitcase full of cash.[1] (BTW - if you’re ever in that situation, keep your back to them and pour a bucket of water over the hot rocks before you turn around – ophthalmologists say the visual trauma of uncovering such despicable nakedness should only be temporary but why take the risk of permanent blindness?) Even with thick steam, Cheney's beady eyes will burrow into your soul so keep the meeting short. Denial is a dirty job but somebody has to do it.
Kim Jong-Il is resting comfortably back home in Pyonyang; should be back on his feet in no time, don’t believe the capitalist media about him having a "stroke". It's just good, old-fashioned puppeteer poopedness.
Ref: 1. The Denial Industry. http://www.stopglobalwarming.org/sgw_read.asp?id=102958862007
{ 0 komentar... Views All / Send Comment! }
Posting Komentar