Al Gore, world’s No 1 climate change campaigner today apologised for Global Warming.
“Sorry everybody, it was a giant cock-up on my part,” he said in a Washington DC press conference, “Turns out a fly took a giant shit on the White House Xerox machine in 1997. When I copied articles from Scientific American all the decimal points appeared in the wrong place.” Laughing, he continued, “So it looked like the Earth is getting warmer. In fact, everything is fine!”
On hearing the news, Michael Mann, famous for the hockey stick temperature curve, said, “Thanks Christ Al said it first. When I was joining the dots Madonna was on the radio, singing, “‘Oooo touched for the very first time,’ and my pencil slipped. In fact the “curve” should be flat as a pancake. There’s no global warming. None. Not a sausage. Fuck all.”
At NASA, James Hansen too was relieved, “Yippee! That’s all people ask me about … global warming this, global warming that … I just can’t be arsed … it’s so boring! I always wanted to dance like the Kids from Fame, that’s my passion. No more getting up at 4.00am to read the crappy thermometer anymore, it’s on with the leg warmers and off to ballet class for me.”
In England, George Monbiot, famous eco-warrior agreed, “I’ve had my eye on a Ferrari for ages. Now I’ve got a second hand Beetle and its sodding useless. I made big bucks from the gloomy climate hippes and its time to enjoy. Eat my dirt, fucking tree hugger organic yoghurt fucking vegan bicycle brigade!”
There was spontaneous applause at the IPCC’s South Pole station. A spokesman said, “We thought something was wrong because it’s cold down here. I mean really fucking cold. So fucking cold you can’t take a piss without your dick freezing off. It’s that cold. No sign of warmth at all.”
Only the residents of ‘Sea View’ Oklahoma, currently 1,000 miles inland from the Gulf of Mexico were unhappy. Mayor, Ms Verna Gobble, screamed, “Damn that Al Gore. He promised a 20 feet rise in sea level and that would have made us the new Cancun – what with the old one being 15 feet underwater. We built beach huts, condos with moorings for yachts and a lighthouse. What are we supposed to do now? That fucking bastard, I’m glad I voted for Bush at least he just started a few wars.”
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