If you do not get the Ecologist weakly newsletter in your Inbox you are missing a good belly laugh. If ever there was a publication written by idiots for idiots this is it. Which is why Zac Goldsmith should have stayed at school until he was 16.The Ecologist provides all the scientific accuracy of 'Heat' with the insightful analysis of 'OK' and the laugh-riot humour and self-deprecation of Naomi Klein.
This week, please panic about: NANOFOODS
The Ecologist asks:
"Friends of the Earth called for a moratorium on the commercial release of new nanofoods, asserting that products are entering the food chain ‘in the absence of mandatory product labelling, public debate or laws to ensure their safety’. Can it be possible that the concerns expressed by this and other NGOs are justified?"
The author (a lawyer, which may account for her weak grasp of fact) never actually says what nanofoods are, why they might cause problems, or what problems there might be. She just thinks they are BAD -- perhaps because they have a weird foreign name, "nano."
Imagine the discussion in the Ecologist's offices (lit by sustainable whalefat candles).
Maybe, at law school, they did not explain that "nano" means (excuse my Latin):"Hey Zac, what's a nano?"
"One of those Indian cars." Says Goldsmith.
"Nano is Keanu Reeves he, like totally defeated the Matrix in that film ... Star Wars." Jamie Oliver spits, finally able to talk proper after tongue-liposuction.
"Nah," riposts Jonathon Porritt, who drove over on an under-maid, "A nano is a Walkman."
"Captain Nano is an evil Frenchman with a submarine who travels the oceans being a global multinational." Pipes up Lord Melchett, who has dropped by on a chip-fat-powered peasant to deliver a local organic veg box (pineapple tops and banana skins).
"Oh NO!!" say all (ZG, JP, JO, LM and seven other offspring of multi-millionaires) "that's unethical!"
"Then we oppose it!" Zac cries, "Have a serf bring my BlackBerry on a silver tray so my PA may fax a Professor of Nitwittery who knows nothing about the subject and commission an in-depth analysis by Glooogle Interweb. Beam her to my Underground Lair (I mean organic farm) by helicopter so we may condemn this vile Captain Nano and all his carbon-profligate works."
"Thy will be done Master." Say the loyal retainers whom Zac has inherited from his uncle Ed (who now lives in The Maximum Security Twilight Home for the Terminally Bewildered But Still Stinking Rich).
Subscribers to the Ecologist will be frantic to discover that air is composed of nanoparticles -- e.g. oxygen molecules and nitrogen molecules. Everything we eat is composed of nanoparticles -- e.g. proteins, sugars, fats, minerals. All our food (even an organic ciabatta) is broken down by gastric nano-acids and nano-enzymes into nanoparticles -- otherwise we could not digest them -- all food IS nanofood!"Small -- very small -- so extremely bleeding small you can't see it -- even if you haven't already gone blind from Vitamin A deficiency with all those shrivelled organic carrots you eat."
If a non-nano lump of food gets from your guts into your blood stream you've probably got a perforated colon.
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